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It's 1974. Archie Jones is one of life's great losers. Even his attempt to kill himself is foiled by a passing butcher. The return of his old war comrade, Samad Iqbal, brings back a secret Archie has been trying to forget, and Samad's wedding to a feisty girl half his age makes lonely Archie feel even worse. Convinced that he 'picked up the wrong life in the cloakroom of existence', Archie is not expecting a sudden diversion to a funkier place. But on New Year's Eve, a chance encounter at a wild party changes everything.

Samad Iqbal is in self-described 'chicken tikka purgatory', working as a waiter in his cousin's curry house and forced to sleep in the loft by his wife, Alsana, who is on sex-strike. Fate presents frustrated Samad with the ultimate test of his faith, in the shapely form of Poppy Burt-Jones, his twin sons' teacher. A passionate adulterous affair throws Samad into turmoil. He decides to try and make amends by saving his sons from the corruption of the West, although he can afford to send only one of them back to Bangladesh for a proper education in the old ways. Millat needs it most, but Magid saw his dad kissing Poppy.

It's 1992, and sexy Millat is 17, streetwise and idolised by Archie's daughter Irie, who is in turn adored by nerdy Josh Malfen. When all three get caught with a joint at school, their punishment is study classes with Josh's eccentric parents, controversial geneticists Marcus and Joyce. Millat charms Joyce, and soon moves in with them after Samad kicks him out. But before long, Joyce and Irie are heartbroken when Millat leaves to join an Islamic sect. Meanwhile, to Samad's horror, grown-up Magid is more 'British' than ever. He has a place at Oxford - and a secret benefactor who is flying him home.

In a finale of love, death and revelation, Archie's secret comes out once and for all.